I did my usual Sunday, 2 Pub ride. On the way down the coast it got hot and I pulled into my usual beach pub for a quick beer. At the bar I was greeted by a local I know. After examining my body armour, commenting on the plates and padding, he showed me his broken arm and hip operations scars, and then he decided to tell me one of the less PC Blonde jokes. It goes like this:

Q: What do you give a blonde who has everything?
A: Antibiotics.

The scars and the blonde joke were not connected, but I thought that both were a little funny and sad.

The funny part of the broken bones was the fact that he did it at home in the bathroom, took 2 hrs to attract attention and get help and was 2m away from a cold beer which he just couldn't reach.

And for the blonde... well his girlfriend is a blonde.

Homeless Man’s Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. Since he had no family or friends and the brief, state-financed service was to be held at a pauper's cemetery in southwestern British Columbia back-country, I volunteered to play for nothing because my heart went out to this lonely man to whom life had been so cruel.

Since I was not familiar with the backwoods area of BC, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral director had already left because the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the backhoe and digging crew left at the site.... and they were eating lunch when I drove up. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being an hour late for the ceremony. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before because I felt a deep sadness for this homeless man who at least deserved some bit of honor and recognition of his passing.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace' straight from my gut with a haunting power and beautiful sound I’ve never experienced, the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together as I played. When I finished, I plucked a nearby wildflower, tossed it on top of the concrete vault, packed up my bagpipes and silently headed back toward my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen or heard nothin' as beautiful and touching like that before.... and I've been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years".

club_c wrote:Homeless Man’s Funeral

....

Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen or heard nothin' as beautiful and touching like that before.... and I've been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years".

Good story to start the day with....I enjoyed that thank you. It works for me on so many levels...

Farmer went to buy a pair of wellies.
The assistant asked if they fit OK and the farmer says they fit lovely thanks and off he went.

He was back after a week saying they fit OK but can I have a longer piece of string......Boom ..Boom

Three black men were depicted on a painting
The curator was explaining why one had a pink willy saying there were some tribes that had this feature and were superior to other tribes. The explanation went quite deep.

When he had gone a Scotsman said that was not true what he said.
The indignant couple said how do you know.

I painted it and they are 3 Scottish miners and one went home for lunch......Boom....Boom.
Ajays

At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it...... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

Chocolate Romance






Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a
Double Decker.It was just AfterEight.


They both got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fisherman's Friend pub.


He asked her name. "Polo, I'm
the one with the hole" she replied in a Wispa.


My name's Marathon, the one
with the nuts" he replied.


He took her round the back of the pub
and touched her Cream Eggs, then slipped


his hand into her Snickers.Just keep smiling He fondled her Flap Jacks,while she
rubbed his


Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment, as she
screamed in Turkish Delight.


But three days later his Sherbert
Fountain started to drip.


Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with
Bertie Bassett, who had Allsorts.





The Bard

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1.My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was p!ssed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to he!l.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?